Marble Jar (Part 2)

Back in 2011, I did a post on a Marble Jar experiment that I chose to use, to help create "order" in our home.  Here's an excerpt from that post, if you don't desire to read or re-read the entire post.  

One thing I decided to try and improve on, in our home, was order.  Not order in the cleansly sense. I'm pretty sure I've had that talent since I was at least 8 years old, but rather order with my children.  Let me put it more positively... better management or increased harmony amongst them. I thrive off of structure. I like calmness. I desire guidelines, control, and peace in our home. Don't we all? With children, it's possible, but the odds are against me with 3 little depraved souls.

It's insane to look back, almost 4 years ago, and see that I actually tried this experiement when my twins were barely 2. Needless to say, it didn't last long. Duh... 2 year olds don't really have an attention span or a drive for something like an incentive program. NOW, fast forward 4 years, from that post, and guess what?!?!?!?! I decided to pull old tricks back out. Sometimes... ORDER, peace, and harmony still DO NOT exist in our home. What?!?!?! You mean you haven't perfected that Kristin? NO! And when someone does they will be the richest man/woman alive if they can figure out a way to bottle that potion. Tyson shows his "love" by picking on the twins. Yes! That's his excuse for sticking wet fingers in his brother's ear or flicking his sister in the head for no good reason. I call it bullying and sin. Jax is picking up on Tyson's "love" and doing the same occasionally, although he has such a sweet heart that I think it kills him to act that way. And Lilah, well, let's just say she's half Italian and she loves to talk  argue with her hands (oh you know, scratch, pinch, and pull shirts, instead of just saying what's on her mind.). But more so than that even, the reality is... my children are still TOTALLY DEPRAVED, UNSAVED SINNERS. Until their lives are fully submissive to Christ, the personalities of our children will prevent complete harmony in this home. BUT...I will do all that I can to HELP create as much harmony as possible.  I waited a few months to see if the marble jar experiment would work, this time, and it has.  We are on month 3 and it's going strong!

The idea behind the marble jar is this: each child gets a clear glass (or plastic) jar.  Every time a child does something they're supposed to, without being asked, OR above and beyond the realms of what's expected of them, then they receive a marble in their jar. If any form of disobedience occurs, a marble is removed (in addition to any other forms of discipline that needs to take place, such as a spanking).  I have taken this a step further. If an offense is made against a sibling, by another sibling, then a marble will be removed from the offender's jar and put into the victim's jar.  Some examples of "good works/deeds" are clearing your plate after eating, using manners, vacuuming up your crumbs without being asked, and doing chores. A reward of $5.00 is given, to each child, every time their jar accumulates 30 marbles. Thirty marbles DOES NOT seem like a lot, but marbles get removed WAY more than marbles get earned.  When I revisited this idea, I rewarded the FIRST child to reach 30 marbles with $10 (which by the way was....JAX....no surprise there) and it took 24 days to earn 30 marbles. 

Let's role play:

Tyson licks his finger, puts it in Jax's ear, Jax gets upset, and instead of retaliating, he comes and discusses it with me. Response: Ty removes a marble from his jar and places it in Jax's jar.  

A NEW addition to this marble jar is as follows: if a sibling sees another sibling doing a kind deed for them, they can remove a marble from their own jar and "pay" their sibling a sign of gratitude with a marble they have previously earned.  

More role playing:

Jax is heading upstairs for the night.  Jax grabs his own shoes, on the way up the stairs, to put them away in his closet, and notices that Tyson also has a pair of shoes sitting on the steps.  Jax brings Tyson's shoes upstairs and places them where they belong. If I notice Jax's kind deed, Jax receives a marble. If Ty notices, he can choose to just say thank you OR he can choose to "pay" Jax a marble, as a sign of his appreciation.

There is so much that needs to be done around this house AND so much that the kids LOVE to save up for or "want".  SO... this marble system is a great way to NOT only promote kindness in our home, but also a desire to help out.  Even IF initially, they are doing things just to earn marbles, so be it.  AT LEAST, they are getting in the habit of considering others more important then themselves (Philippians 2:3).  Darren even uses it to receive help.  Often times I hear, "Who wants to put a trash bag in the trash can for Daddy and get a marble?"  Sometimes I hear crickets and other times all three kids run to daddy's rescue.

As I said in the marble jar post, back in 2011, my hope is this

I am hoping this marble jar system will help train our children to desire to be obedient and kind UNTIL the Lord changes their heart for good. What will start out as a "habbit" of doing good, will hopefully turn into a heart that desires to be obedient for the Lord. We will revisit this system from time to time to make sure it's the best decision for our family. For now, it seems to be working much better this time. My children LOVE incentives and rewards. Some people pay their children to do chores. I "pay" my children, in marbles, for various things and then eventually they can exchange it for real money!

From a Christian stand point, ONE problem with this system is that it almost can create an attitude of "good works" get you to Heaven. However, Darren and I remind the kids daily that good works do NOT get you into Heaven.  

"For by grace you have been saved, through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God not a result of works, so that no one may boast." Ephesians 2:8

Finally, there is ONLY ONE RULE to this incentive program and that is, "You may NOT tell me you did some kind deed, in hopes of gaining a marble." In other words, do not ask for a marble.

Supplies Needed:

Glass or Plastic Jars: I bought mine at the Dollar Tree.  Last time, I allowed the kids to decorate their jars, but this time, I desired for the jars to blend in with my kitchen decor.

Marbles or Pebbles: I chose marbles for Lilah and rocks for the boys.

As I'm looking at these photos and thinking about the newest addition to our marble jar experiment, I realize now, it would be cool to have one more variety of colored marbles (basically each child should have their own color). As the kids "pay" each other or as marbles are removed from ONE jar and added to another, the jars will disclose HOW the marbles were awarded. Note to self... 

A counter space or designated area to store the jars! I would make certain that the jars are visible to their eyes, but BEWARE, little, untrustworthy children may try to sneak marbles/pebbles into their own jars when they haven't earned them! If I see that happen, the jar gets emptied completely.

It's NO surprise who's marble jar is ALMOST filled up, for the second time, in three months!

2nd place...

3rd place... I think I am harder on him! LOL! He's older therefore expectations are higher.

PS.  When I look back at older posts, I am so embarrassed.  My writing skills and posting skills are definitely NOT where they are today! LOL! I guess over time everyone should be improving, not digressing.  

TIME OUT!!!!!

On day 6, the tattling and arguing was intensified x 1,000.  I couldn't take it anymore.  LOL!  As the old saying goes, "All good things must come to an end!" And it was certainly sounding true in our home.  These kids were on day 13 of being in each other's presence: 6 days in Raleigh and now 6 days in Roanoke.  

On the last day and the very last hour before my dad and Carlene arrived to town, Salene came up crying because Tyson hurt her.  I grabbed a barstool and said, "I am sorry you got hurt, but sit here Salene!"  I yelled, okay SCREAMED, down to the other 4 kids in the basement... "GET UP HERE NOW!"  I very abruptly grabbed four more barstools, ONE AT A TIME, and placed them in different areas around the house, on my main floor, saying "You, sit here!" "You, SIT HERE!" "YOU, SIT HERE!" Each time I said it, it felt better than the last time I said it.  I think I was going a little crazy by this time.

I very sternly said, "No talking! No looking at each other! NO moving!" You are all to sit there for 10 minutes in silence and think about the way you all have been treating each other.  After 5/10 minutes, I began sharing with them what the Lord expects of them and reciting a few passages to help them see how they have sinned not only against each other, but especially against God.

One of the verses was 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

"Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude.  It does NOT insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.  Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends!"

1 Peter 3:9

"Do not repay evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary, bless, for to this you were called, that you may obtain a blessing."

They sat there in silence, well all except for Ty.  He was fighting me left and right, so he sat there for 20 minutes instead of 10.  

I made an instagram college out of it and apparently this post was well received and very comical to so many.  Looking back, it IS, but at the time it WASN'T.

Additional Ways to Discipline...

My mom used to always say, "Spare the rod, spoil the child!"  As a child, I HATED THAT PHRASE.  Or how about, "This hurts me, more than it hurts you!" "Yea right!!!" I always thought.  But it's true....

Our primary way to discipline, in this home, is biblical... spanking!!!

There are a ton of passages that support our biblical decision.  Knowing we are being obedient to God, when we discipline this way, is so reassuring.  After all, it seems to be that spanking is so unsupported by so many.  WHY?  Yes, I agree, if you are NOT spanking in LOVE, calmly, it is abuse.  It's once been said to me, "You have an outlet.  You spank your child to get that relief."  Uh- no!!!  If you treat your child like a rag doll, aka getting relief, while spanking, then you are doing it incorrectly and you are being DISOBEDIENT yourself.  But, if you truly do it, in love, it's what is commanded of us and it will reap much reward. 

Here a just a few passages that support spanking!

Proverbs 13:24 

"Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him."

Proverbs 19:18

"Discipline your son, for there is hope, do not set your heart on putting him to death."

Proverbs 22:15 

"Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline drives it far from him."

Proverbs 23:13

"Do not withhold ^(A)discipline from a child; if you strike him with a rod, he will not die."

Proverbs 23:14

"If you strike him with the rod, you will save his soul from Sheol."

Proverbs 29:15

"The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother."

Often times, Darren and I are NOT as consistent as we would like to be or should be. It basically amounts to laziness or exhaustion from disciplining all day.  I have also found that I can discipline my children differently, as they all require different levels of discipline.  

As Tyson gets older, spanking him has become much more difficult.  Often times, I take his most prized possession away from him instead... his ipod.  Lately, I have chosen to make him RUN HOME OR eat dinner in his room, alone.  These other forms of punishment give both parties (Tyson and I) a moment to diffuse or calm ourselves down and really think about what needs to be discussed.  Although, at the time, NOT funny, looking back at these photos, it really makes me laugh to see him running home or eating dinner alone in his room.  I am reverting back to the "Leave it to Beaver" days.

I stopped the van and made Tyson run home, after being repeatedly disobedient, in the van, on the way home from the grocery store.  He loved this and thought it was so cool, until he realized how cold it was outside.  It helped him get some aggression/energy out.

After throwing a bowl at his brother's face, as hard as he could, I made Tyson eat dinner in his room, alone, and asked him to think about a better way he could have expressed himself.

I am not afraid of man's opinion on spanking, nor will I hold back this form of discipline to please man!  We are on this earth for one purpose and one purpose ONLY... to please God.  AND so... spanking will remain the overall form of discipline in this home.

Oh and for the record, before and after we spank, we use this opportunity as a teachable moment to teach our children about the gospel and how God disciplined His only son for the sake of our sins.  It's a great way to share the pain Jesus endured for our transgressions.

Hebrews 12:6-7

"For the Lord disciplines the one he loves and chastises every son whom he receives.  It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline?"

Pizza?!?!?!

NOPE. A large portobello mushroom baked and stuffed with my homemade marinara sauce and mozzarella cheese. I love pizza, but it's definitely not one of those foods that are edible without guilt attached to it. I am easily satisfied if I eat this and my brain is tricked to think I have devouredaslice of pizza. YUMMMY!

Human Sponge!

The other day I was in Lilah's room putting away some clean laundry. She was still sitting in her crib. All of the sudden I hear, out of her mouth,

"You are being disobedient. You're not a-posed to say poo-poo and pee-pee. I havfta spank you now!"

As you can see, from the picture, she fulfilled her promise, to show her baby love, by disciplining he,r for her disobedience. I guess she hears Darren and I loud and clear and is fully aware that there are consequences to sin. Children truly are human sponges. They absorb it all. EVERY single detail.

"Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him. " 
~ Proverbs 13:24

"Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you strike him with a rod, he will not die." 
~Proverbs 23:13

"Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old, he will not depart from it." 
~ Proverbs 22:6

Marble Jar UPDATE!

Guess who has finally filled up their marble jar? TYSON!!!! It took two months for ONE of the kids to fill up a marble jar. We've been VERY consistent with adding and removing marbles. I highly recommend this incentive program. It really, really, really, has improved the children's desires to help around the house. Overall behavior has also really improved as well.

Whoever fills up their marble jar receives a $20.00 toy! Tyson decided he just wants the $20.00 to add to his bank. He's such a hoarder.

Evidence that the marble jar is working....

One of my BIGGEST pet peeves is crumbs. No matter how HARD I try to drive eating over your plate home, the concept is just not understood. You'd be amazed at how many crumbs a bite size ritz peanut butter filled cracker makes in our home.

While upstairs getting the twins ready for the pool, Tyson was enjoying that exact snack. With a paper plate and placemat available to him, the crumbs apparently still took place. Normally, on any other given day, Tyson could care LESS about the crumbs. Never has. But today, upon my return to the main floor, look what I spotted.

AND THIS WAS DONE ENTIRELY AT HIS OWN WILL.

Yes, it's absolutely DISGUSTING that on my dinner table sits a dust pan and hand broom along with my child's snack, but it's MUSIC to my ears. It sends chill bumps down my spine. My child knows where the dust pan is? My child knows how to use the dust pan? My child DESIRES to clean up after himself? Now, if he could only LEARN to put the dust pan/hand broom back, then he'd get a marble. Yup, that's right. He didn't get a marble. You can't do the job 50% of the way in our house and get rewarded for it. I'm hardcore, huh?

This post leaves me seriously wondering, why didn't I start this marble jar incentive SOOOONER!

Marble Jar (Part 1)

Yesterday's sermon at Church was so powerful, so eye-opening and so convicting. It caused me to desire new changes. Changes spiritually, changes physically, and changes emotionally. I guess you could relate this to an epiphany in a sense. Spiritually, I want my prayer life to grow leaps and bounds. Send me any prayer requests you have... your petitions will help me grow here. Right now, I've decided to leave my biggest prayer request "silent" except for and with my closest girlfriends and husband, but I can tell that God is already working on it... I hope. I mean, I guess I could just chalk this up as a "good day" or a "calm day" and I'll take it, but my faith is higher then to leave it at that. I know and I trust from John 14:14 that if I "ask anything in [His] name, [He] will do it." I know my dear friends are praying for me and it shows.

So, what does this have to do with the price of tea in China or the title of this post, "Marble Jar"?

Today, I tried to make wiser choices. I made changes in the way my day got started. I made changes in the way my children's day got started. I made plans. I had goals. And I stuck to it all. I felt accomplished and that feeling always is a good one. Agree?

One thing I decided to try and improve in our home is order. Not order in the cleanly sense, I'm pretty sure I've had that talent since I was at least 8, but order with my children. Let me put it more positively... better management or increased harmony amongst them. I thrive off of structure. I like calmness. I desire guidelines in our home, control, and peace. With children, it's possible, but the odds are against me and 3 little depraved souls.

Last year, I came across an article in a magazine that was written by a mother who tried it all. Sticker charts, verbal praise, allowance, etc. etc. etc. She was fed up. She was tired. She felt like a nag and also like a broken record. She was at her last straw and decided to give it ONE last ditched effort by creating her own incentive system called a marble jar. I wanted to try this last year, but instead decided to rip the article out of the magazine and save it for when the twins were a tad older. This morning when I woke up, I decided, today was the day we were starting this idea. Now, I know many of you probably don't agree with reward systems or incentive programs. I'm not entirely sold either, but for my Tyson, especially, it works and it works GOOOOOD. So for now, to maintain that "order" that I spoke of earlier, I have to mimic this mother's marble jar idea.

The idea behind the marble jar is that each child gets a clear glass (or plastic) jar and every time they do something worthy (follow directions, clean their room, going out of their way for someone, speaking kindly to others etc.) then they get to put a marble in their jar. Once the jar is full... a reward is given.

The one area we will have to watch out for with Tyson when using something like the marble jar is that he will start to expect a marble for everything. We have decided that the marbles are to be earned for behaviors that our children struggle with. The marbles are rewards for things that aren't getting done. If brushing teeth is an issue then a marble is given when the child brushes their teeth without hassle.

Visual reward systems work well for younger children, I think. I have noticed a HUGE difference today already. Here are just a few examples:

1. NO behavior issues in A.C. Moore. No handling of store items or running off.

2. MANNERS.... "YES MAAM" has never been said more than it has been said today.

3. Being helpful without asking... we place our shoes on the steps when we take them off and Tyson brought everyone's shoes up and placed them in each person's closet. He usually walks right passed them.

4. Tyson has been overly kind and GENTLE with is siblings today.

We have made several rules regarding the marble jar reward system:

1. You cannot ask for or suggest that you deserve a marble. If so, one is removed.

2. If you are ill tempered, ugly, disrespectful, or disobedient a marble can be removed.

3. Do NOT expect a marble to be placed in your jar for every kind deed you perform.

4. Remember, kind deeds are NOT to be done JUST because you want to earn a marble. Kind deeds are to be done because it is expected of us and should be the desire of our heart because it pleases our God.

5. IF you are caught adding to your jar without permission or stealing from a sibling's jar, your jar gets emptied.

6. You cannot earn a (-) negative amount of marbles. That's too much to keep up with.

7. When your jar is filled to the "line" or the piece of ribbon we tied to the top of each jar, you are entitled to a $20 ANYTHING. Sounds like a lot, but the mom who's article I read said it takes about 4 weeks to fill the jar being marbles can also be removed.

I look forward to using this in the teenage years to come. This mom had children ranging from 3 to 16. She said her teenagers were constantly on the prowl to "one up" each other in the house (ie. they would set their alarm early to empty the dishwasher before the house woke up.) Where I struggle with this incentive program is the fact that we are learning in Matthew 6 to "beware of practicing your righteousness before other people in order to be seen by them, for then you will have no reward from your Father who is in heaven." It appears and sounds as if this marble jar could essentially and potentially go against this command. I am hoping this will help train Tyson, Lilah and Jaxon to desire to be obedient UNTIL the Lord changes their heart for good. Who knows how long this will stick. We will revisit it from time to time to make sure it's the best decision for our family. For now, it really does seem to be working great! I give it an A++++

BEFORE

We went to AC Moore today. Purchased plain glass mason jars. I allowed each child to pick out their very own stickers to use to decorate the outside of their jar.

Tyson decorates his jar.

Tyson's jar. He recently told us that he would like to go to College to be an astronaut, hence the reason he picked out space ship/astronaut stickers. The colorful ribbon at the top of each jar is the "line" where the marbles must be filled to. If you look closely, you can see Ty has earned 4 marbles already.

Lilah was the first to finish. Lilah chose butterflies stickers.

Lilah's jar. Lilah has earned 1 marble already. She's been a tad feisty today.

Daddy helped guide the twins with their stickers.

But as usual they said, "I do it!"

Jax chose train stickers.

Jax's jar. Jax has one marble too.